Location
Mount Vernon, WA 98274
In a press conference held high in the branches of Central Park’s oldest oak tree, the International Squirrel Federation (ISF) unveiled a groundbreaking initiative: the implementation of a nut tax on humans. The tax, which will be levied in acorns, walnuts, and hazelnuts, aims to bolster the ISF’s ever-growing acorn reserves in light of an alarming increase in squirrel populations worldwide.
“The nut tax is necessary for our survival,” announced Nutty McFlufftail, the ISF president, with a serious twitch of his tail. “With the skyrocketing demand for nuts, and the encroachment of lawn gnomes into our territory, we can no longer afford to sit idly by while our nut supply dwindles. This is a matter of national security-our national security!”
The ISF has accused lawn gnomes of hoarding nuts and disrupting the natural squirrel economy. In retaliation, they have declared a full-fledged war on these ceramic sentinels. Squirrel troops have been spotted staging raids on gardens, flinging acorns at unsuspecting gnomes and launching tactical offensives involving elaborate acorn catapults built from twigs and leaves.
In an unexpected twist, the gnomes have responded to the squirrel aggression by forming their own coalition: the Garden Gnome Alliance (GGA). “We won’t stand for this tyranny!” proclaimed Gnomey McGnomeface, the GGA spokesperson. “Our porcelain brethren are simply trying to beautify gardens. We demand a ceasefire and a fair negotiation over nut-sharing policies!”
Meanwhile, humans are left bewildered. Reports are surfacing of squirrels turning up at local town halls and demanding access to the public’s nut reserves. Some residents have begun stockpiling nuts, fearing that their backyards will soon resemble a war zone. “I just wanted to enjoy my garden in peace,” lamented one confused homeowner. “Now I have to worry about ambushes from squirrels and the occasional rogue gnome!”
Experts are divided on the implications of this squirrel uprising. Animal behaviorist Dr. Acornia Nutwell suggests that the war on lawn gnomes could escalate further. “If the squirrels are successful, we may witness the rise of a new world order where squirrels dictate the terms of gardening. Plus, who knows what other inanimate objects they might target next? Perhaps garden flamingos will be next on their hit list!”
As negotiations between the ISF and GGA begin, the world watches with bated breath. Will the squirrels’ nut tax be enacted? Will peace be restored in suburban gardens? Only time-and perhaps a few strategic acorn launches-will tell.
