Location
Mount Vernon, WA 98274
In what can only be described as both a miracle and a catastrophe, scientists at the Institute for Perpetual Productivity have announced the creation of “Eternal Coffee,” a beverage that never runs out. With the ability to refill itself continuously, this revolutionary drink has already caused a global caffeine crisis, leaving coffee shops across the world scrambling to keep up with demand.
The concept came about during a late-night research session fueled by a considerable amount of regular coffee and perhaps too many donuts. Dr. Brewster Bean, lead researcher, commented, “We were trying to figure out a way to keep our team awake for 72 hours straight without side effects. We accidentally invented a coffee that just keeps pouring!” While this may sound like a dream come true for coffee lovers, the aftermath has been anything but pleasant.
Coffee enthusiasts have reportedly been lining up outside participating cafes, only to discover that their cups are magically refilling themselves. “I was just trying to get a quick pick-me-up before my 9 AM Zoom meeting, and suddenly, I had enough caffeine in my system to fuel a rocket launch!” said one bewildered customer, who asked to remain anonymous. “I thought I was going to vibrate out of my chair!”
Baristas are also feeling the effects of this new phenomenon. Many have begun wearing protective gear, including helmets and earplugs, as customers come in demanding more and more of the Eternal Coffee. “We never signed up for this!” lamented local barista Lila Grounds. “I just wanted to serve lattes, not play the role of a caffeine dealer!”
Meanwhile, the caffeine crisis has led to unintended side effects on a global scale. Sleep-deprived workers are experiencing heightened productivity levels, completing tasks at an alarming rate. Office furniture manufacturers report a surge in sales of standing desks and fidget toys, as employees seek to manage their newfound energy levels. In contrast, sleep clinics have seen a spike in visits, as people struggle to cope with the ramifications of their caffeinated adventures.
In response to the chaos, health officials are urging moderation. “While we appreciate the enthusiasm for this groundbreaking drink, we advise people to limit their intake,” said Dr. Sienna Zzz, a sleep specialist. “It’s all about balance-too much Eternal Coffee may lead to unintended side effects such as spontaneous dance parties and extreme productivity. We simply cannot have that!”
As the world grapples with the implications of Eternal Coffee, scientists continue to work on a solution. For now, baristas are encouraged to offer cream and sugar as a temporary fix for those experiencing existential crises brought on by excessive caffeine. Meanwhile, Dr. Bean has already begun brainstorming the next big thing: “Infinite Donuts!”
