Local Town Announces National Quarantine for Squirrels Amid Rising Acorn Prices

In a shocking announcement that has left many scratching their heads, the town council of Oakwood, a quaint community nestled in the heart of the Midwest, has declared a national quarantine on all squirrels. This unexpected measure aims to address a significant economic crisis stemming from skyrocketing acorn prices that have left both humans and local wildlife in a state of frenzy.

The decision was prompted by a recent report from the Oakwood Economic Institute, which revealed that acorn prices have surged by over 200% in the past month. This surge is attributed to a combination of climate change-induced crop failures and a particularly ambitious group of squirrels that have taken to hoarding acorns like they’re gold bars.

“We had to do something,” said Mayor Timothy Nutman in a press conference held in the town square, flanked by baffled residents. “These squirrels are not just pets or park visitors; they are now serious economic players. If we don’t rein them in, it could lead to a full-blown acorn crisis.”

The quarantine will effectively restrict all squirrel movement within town limits, with strict penalties for any resident caught harboring or feeding squirrels. Local authorities have even set up a special task force, aptly named the Squirrel Control Unit, to patrol the streets and enforce the new regulations.

“It’s a little extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures,” said resident Betty Acornsworth, who sells handmade acorn jewelry. “I never thought I’d see the day when squirrels would be public enemy number one.”

Critics of the quarantine have emerged, with some claiming that the town council is overreacting. “This is a slippery slope,” warned local environmentalist Greta Greenleaf. “What’s next? A quarantine on pigeons because they’re too fond of breadcrumbs?”

Despite the controversy, some residents are embracing the new normal. Local businesses have begun to capitalize on the situation, with “Squirrel-Free Zones” popping up across town. Cafes are offering squirrel-themed lattes, and there’s even a new line of squirrel-proof bird feeders selling like hotcakes.

As the quarantine continues, Oakwood residents are left to ponder the absurdity of their current situation. “It’s a bizarre world we live in,” concluded Mayor Nutman. “But if it means I can get my acorns at a reasonable price again, I’m all for it.”